It has been ages since my last epistle — please forgive me. The halfling is a member of the eagle riders and thus always mucking around the aviary. Some months ago, the puckish fellow saw me trying to deliver my messages. He even used the meeting to try and strike up a rapport with me — the nerve! Like I’d have any interest in learning about what kind of depraved feasts his hirsute mother would cook for breakfast. And, please, tell me more about aged cheeses… suffice it to say that I don’t think he’ll make the same mistake twice.This is a long way of saying that I’ve had to stop writing to avoid the prying eyes.
In the meantime, I have discovered a marvelous new magic! Our party has stumbled, bottom-first, into the lair of an amazing human wizard. And — ha! — I know what you’re thinking. I, too, was reminded of old joke about the human wizard locking him self out of his own spell book. Regardless, the humans have managed to create at least one respectable wizard. With the aid of his extensive library, I was able to conjure up a new evocation called, Ulundo’s Spherical Conflagration. It’s a wonderful combination of Scorching Ray and Magic Missile — I expect you’ll be impressed. I’ll send it along with my next letter, using the secret phrase we discussed.
Other points of interest since my last Missive:
- There is a war between the human clans brewing. Through the human (now a squire), we’ve been assigned to the front lines. I can’t honestly tell the two sides apart, it’s a blessing that the others are here to stop me to slaying the ‘wrong’ people. We’ve sat in meeting after meeting about this and I still can’t keep it all straight. It’s like watching two flies argue over a piece of feces: You’re both going to be dead and covered in excrement in a week, what difference does it make?
- It turns out the elf was some kind of illusionist. A lot of good that did him when he was split in twain! Ha! So, I guess it’s of no import. Surprisingly, the human wizard has quite the talent for creating constructs. He actually managed to resurrect the elf into a new body of his creation. Truly impressive; though, obviously the workings of a syphilitic brain.
- Of strategic importance, humans reserve the highest stories in their castles for the highest-ranked members. It’s like I’m in opposite land. I’m not sure I’d be surprised anymore to learn that they shove food up their rectums and vacate from their mouths — it certainly would explain the food. Doesn’t the head wizard has better things to be doing all day than walking up and down stairs? For gods’ sake, they only live for 60 years! I suggested that, perhaps, it was more intelligent to be placed on the lowest floors… I was guffawed right out of the room. Hrphm!